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Author Topic: Got any jokes to share?  (Read 19202 times)
Octavius2250
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« on: October 31, 2011, 01:05:31 am »

A guy was driving on the wrong side of the road, and sometimes he nearly made a head-on collision with other drivers. The cops managed to pull him over, and said to him, "Sir, you're driving on the wrong side of the road. You know this is extremely dangerous, right?" The driver angrily replied, "It is YOU BLOKES that are driving on the wrong side of the bloody road!!!!"
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James LaBrie has more balls than all of his haters combined.

ashflower
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« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2011, 05:25:05 pm »

That was a terrible joke, Octavius. That's why no one is offering their own jokes!   Wink Tongue
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James cutting his hair IS TENS TIMES THE SHOCK OF MIKE LEAVING THE BAND TO ME!!

Dargor
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« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2011, 09:07:03 pm »

Ten years ago, we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs.

And now...

No hope, no cash and no jobs.
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nicoli
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« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2011, 12:36:27 am »

Two men walked into a bar. The bartender asked them what they'd like to order. The first man said, "I'd like some H2O." The second man said, "I'd like some H2O, too." The bartender served up their drinks and they both gulped them down, and then the second man died.

(This joke works better if you say their lines out loud.)
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"You can run, you can live like there's no tomorrow
But you know
Your days are numbered
At the end of it all,
What you see is that nothing's forever
'Cause you know
Your days are numbered..."


--HAREM SCAREM/Days Are Numbered

Traveller69
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« Reply #4 on: November 07, 2011, 05:28:03 am »

A cute little girl goes to a pet store. 'Do you have a rabbit?' she asks.
The pet store owner drops to his knees so he can see eye to eye with the little girl and tells her:
'Of course do I have rabbits. What would you like, a black one, a brown one, or a black one with white ears.'

The girls looks at him: 'I don't think my python cares'.
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w34vi1
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« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2011, 07:14:55 pm »

A duck walks into a store, and asks the owner "do you have any bread?" The owner says "No, sorry."

the duck comes back the next day, "Do you have any bread?" The owner says "Not today."

the duck returns the next day, "Do you have any bread?" the Owner groans "No..."

the duck comes back the next day "Any bread?" angered the owner yells "You ask me again I'm going to nail your bill shut!"

the duck comes again the next day "Got any nails?" the owner says "No?"

the duck replays "Got any bread?"


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ashflower
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« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2011, 07:25:48 pm »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZneT3MbZgsI

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread but it doesn't have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. Like if I worked at a convenience store and a duck came in a grabbed a loaf of bread with his beak and walked out - I would let him go. I would say "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!"
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James cutting his hair IS TENS TIMES THE SHOCK OF MIKE LEAVING THE BAND TO ME!!

w34vi1
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« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2011, 07:34:17 pm »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZneT3MbZgsI

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread but it doesn't have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. Like if I worked at a convenience store and a duck came in a grabbed a loaf of bread with his beak and walked out - I would let him go. I would say "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!"

as someone who goes to Oregon State University (the Beavers) who's rival is University of Oregon who happens to have the mascot of a Duck, the joke is more funny because then it would become something about their football team...
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DebraKadabra
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« Reply #8 on: November 07, 2011, 11:44:54 pm »

Ten years ago, we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs.

And now...

No hope, no cash and no jobs.

We'd better hope that nothing happens to Kevin Bacon.
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I know what you're thinking, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?

Traveller69
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« Reply #9 on: November 08, 2011, 08:18:29 am »

Yes, it is working !!!!
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Traveller69
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« Reply #10 on: November 08, 2011, 08:21:31 am »

So, I build myself a device - I call it a timemachine. I'll give it a spin and see if it works....
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VioletS16
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« Reply #11 on: November 08, 2011, 04:49:57 pm »

A cute little girl goes to a pet store. 'Do you have a rabbit?' she asks.
The pet store owner drops to his knees so he can see eye to eye with the little girl and tells her:
'Of course do I have rabbits. What would you like, a black one, a brown one, or a black one with white ears.'

The girls looks at him: 'I don't think my python cares'.
Grin Grin Grin
Love it
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Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, old time is still a-fly, and this same flower that smiles today tomorrow will be dying - ACOS

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DebraKadabra
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« Reply #12 on: November 09, 2011, 04:38:55 am »

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
=======
 Shocked

Well, I know karate and 7 other Japanese words...

 Cheesy
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I know what you're thinking, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?

Viola da Voce
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« Reply #13 on: January 05, 2012, 01:10:39 pm »

I heard some celebrity tell this joke on TV the other day, but I got a kick out of it:
An egg and a sausage are in a frying pan. The egg says to the sausage, "Boy, it's really hot in here." The sausage exclaims, "Yikes, a talking egg!"
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w34vi1
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« Reply #14 on: January 05, 2012, 01:43:26 pm »

the joke from Pulp Fiction:


Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets really angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, Catch up.

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